Once You're 30

from The Commission by Rachel Parris

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lyrics

Once you're thirty, you're basically dead.
Gone down below, gone in the head
Might as well donate your organs instead
Cos once you hit thirty, you're basically dead.

You lose all your teeth, so drink soup through a straw
Your balance is gone, so you fall to the floor.
People step over you: they try to ignore
Your desperate arthritic hands,
Like a claw.

Your timings all gone, so comedy's out.
And no-one wants those used cassette tapes that you tout.
And you can't reach the job centre, what with your gout.
Your life is an empty, pointless, humourless drought.

You visit Great Yarmouth and you can't handle coins.
No more waxing, you just blue-rinse your loins.
Start reading SAGA and eat stale bread.
Whatever your name was, now you're called Fred.

Once you hit thirty, you're basically dead!
You're covered in fleas, you live in a shed.
And you inevitably start to wet the bed
Once you hit 30,
you're wretched and dirty
and basically dead.
Happy Birthday!

credits

from The Commission, released February 6, 2014
Written and performed by Rachel Parris
Music produced by Laurence Hobbs

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about

Rachel Parris London, UK

Rachel Parris is an award-winning musical comedian based in London. For more info or to see her live, follow her on twitter or see her website!

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