The Commission

by Rachel Parris

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A collection of the songs from musical comedian Rachel Parris's debut comedy show, The Commission. The show was first performed at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2013 and has since toured to the Leicester Comedy Festival, Machynlleth Festival and Leicester Square Theatre, Pleasance Theatre and the Soho Theatre in London. Check out my youtube channel for music videos of some of the songs, and for extras from the show!


released February 6, 2014

All songs written and performed by Rachel Parris
Music produced by Laurence Hobbs at BGM Productions
Backing voices on "I'm Amazing" by Helen Arney, Graham Dickson, Brendan Murphy, Thomas Nelstrop, Hannah Speller.



all rights reserved


Rachel Parris London, UK

Rachel Parris is an award-winning musical comedian based in London. For more info or to see her live, follow her on twitter or see her website!

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Track Name: The Moment We First Kissed
I remember the moment we first kissed.
It seems like yesterday and not so far away.
I remember the moment that we shared.
I can picture it now, I can see you there.

There's a little bit of sick in my mouth
And a little bit more in my hair.
You're so far gone that you're right eye's on me
But the left one's looking over there.

You reach out to touch my face
But your perspective's been impaired.
So your hand rests slightly to the left of my face,
Touching the little bit of sick in my hair,

And then you kiss me - a gentle kiss for a night like this
You kiss me - your WKD spills over a lady, I ask,
"How can you kiss me, how can you want me,
Me in this condition?"
And you smiled and softly said
"I've completely lost my vision"

There's a line of shots left at the bar,
And you offer up a voddie to me.
Who said that Smirnoff was ever a turn-off?
I downed it and then you downed three.

And Shane did a dance on a chair
He was messed up on MDMA.
Then you said to me, "You're like ecstasy,
You can brighten up anyone's day"

And then you kissed me
Then Shane pushed you over, we fell on the sofa
You kissed me,
The sofa was damp - was it urine or champers,
You said,
"It feels wrong here, we don't belong here -
You deserve much better"
And I smiled at you and said
"But we do belong together"
Track Name: I Held You
I held you in my arms for hours
Remember when I brought you flowers
Felt so proud that you were mine
I'll love you til the end of time
But now you're dead.
Track Name: Tepid
I can't believe that I wrote a song for you cos you mean less to me than a fairly thick sock.
I can't believe that you got a song from me cos I feel less for you than an empire-line frock.
But it's exhausting when every relationship's Passion and Ardour.
And it's harder when
Every connection must be profound.
I like to keep my feet on the ground.

My feelings for you are tepid
My feelings for you are tepid
My feelings for you are tepid
But tepid is better than hate.

When you look at me, my heart its normal healthy rate
And when you touch my skin it feels...nice
Like a hot lemon towel feels nice.
And when you speak my name,
You generally pronounce it correctly.
But there's so little spark when we're in the dark, that I wonder sometimes if I'm gay, Hey,

My feelings for you are tepid
My feelings for you are tepid
My feelings for you are tepid
But tepid is better than hate.
And your brother's back soon from the States
And tepid is fine while I wait.
Track Name: Singing and dancing
No-one's gonna stop my dreams
No-one's gonna hold me down
I am more than what I seem
Thought sometimes I act the clown
Don't hold me back, I wanna run
Away from here, into the sun
Just let me.
Don't forget me!

Cos we'll keep singing and dancing and dancing and singing
We'll sing and dance and sing!
We'll dance and sing and not have sex,
Cos that's a dirty sin!

We'll keep singing and dancing and dancing and singing
Until our wombs run dry!
Close your eyes, repress that urge!
We won't make Jesus cry

And to pass the time, we'll learn to mime.
If you want Satan on your side, let the boy you love inside-
Open wide!

But we'll keep singing and dancing and dancing and singing,
Jonas Brothers: don't get scared!
Cos when we do it, we'll be totally unprepared!
Track Name: The Blues
Woke up on monday, and I'm feeling kinda blue.
I been cryin, I been cryin over you
Need a little sip 'o' something, sip 'o' something strong.
I go into the kitchen, pour some Lapsang Souchong,
Lapsang Souchong.
Little bit of lemon on the side.

(But I don't like Chai)

Woke up on tuesday, and I'm feelin pretty low
What'll I do now, now I got nowhere to go?
Need a little something to keep me in my head
I need a stick of celery and some organic granary bread
I need some granary.
Little bit of cous cous on the side

(But no carbs after 5)

Woke up on wednesday and I'm feelin pretty sad.
Look in the mirror and I'm looking pretty bad.
My face is old and my hands are worn and lined.
I need to cleanse, I need to tone, I need to moisturise.
I need to moisturise.
Little bit of E45.

(Oil of Ulay is fine)

Woke up on thursday and I'm feelin pretty down
Go to the doctor and he sees I wear a frown
Tell him how I wake up every morning feeling nasty
He looks at me and hands me a prescription for some anti-depressants.
Little bit of valium on the side

Woke up on friday and I'm feeling surprisingly upbeat!
Track Name: Hilda
Don't go out in the road.
Don't go out in the road
Don't go out in the road
Cos you'll get run over

Don't go out in the road
Don't go out in the road
Don't go out in the road
Cos you'll get run over
And I'll get the blame.
Track Name: Michael
He's 6 foot tall but he claims 6'2",
And he works in a corporate merger.
He claims to be vegan for ethical reasons
But he always smells faintly of burgers.
He plays weekly squash, strictly for the win
And he keeps a spreadsheet of the scores.
The girth of his thigh is suspiciously wide
And he owns an LP of the Corrs.
He reminds you how much the engagement ring cost
And he thinks that Chris Brown's kind of cool.
He gets you some wine when you ordered a pint,
Oh Michael's a terrible tool.
Track Name: Children
No I shouldn't have children, I'd break them
I'd leave them on the bus
No I shouldn't have children, I'd lose them,
Social services make a fuss
Yeah I'd probably drop them
Or swap them for a Moccachino Frap
Or put them in a wheelie bin like that woman with the cat...

And you know the small ones? babies? You know, the ones that cry?
Well they're pretty heavy! For small things... and my arms would get quite tired
And I guess rearing children is as demanding as watering some plants,
And I know that this summer I really neglected my chrysanths.

Can you ignore them? Children?
They're mostly little show-offs and they always say with show-offs you ignore them, then they go away.
Can you insure them? Children?
The payments would be high but really in the current climate, to insure them seems the prudent way
(save for that rainy day...)

No I mustn't have children, I'd break them,
And here's what's on my mind:
If your child's a dickhead, real dickhead,
You still have to take his side!
Imagine you give birth to someone who then turn out to be
Jeremy Clarkson, or Jedward, or the cast of Made In Chelsea...

So from Kindergarten to Eleven Plus,
We don't have to Talk About Kevin, cos
For me right now, I know it would be wrong...

So put that condom on. (John)
Track Name: Ankles
Boy, take a real good look
I'll catch you with my hook
We're gonna stay up late tonight...
Check out my bag of tricks:
This skirt's a nylon mix.
My shoes are made of bakelite.

Get ready for this, get ready for this
Gonna show you, show you, show you, show you...
Get ready for this, get ready for this
Gonna show you, show you, show you...

I'll show you what you like!
My ankles, my ankles,
I won't even wear my tights...
My ankles baby, they're the limbs you call
"my ankles", baby: they're cylindrical.
They're round, shaved, slim and white.
I used them just the other night,
To hold my socks on nice and tight for you.

My ANKLES, My ANKLES, and my elbow too!
My ELBOW, my ELBOW - I'll bend it just for you.
My elbow, babe, you won't be disappointed,
My elbow, baby, cos I'm double-jointed.
My arm is long, my wrist is weak.
I know it's HOT, don't try to speak.
The sexual havoc I will wreak with you,
With my elbow and my ankles

(break it down)
Heads up for the harmonies and tones
If you want a shoulder to cry on

I'll show you what you like!
My ankles, my ankles,
I won't even wear those tights...
You dirty thing, was that my shin?!
You wanna touch my abdomen?
There's a better prize to win tonight:
And it's my ankle.


Oh baby I'll show you my ankle if you show me your
Track Name: Once You're 30
Once you're thirty, you're basically dead.
Gone down below, gone in the head
Might as well donate your organs instead
Cos once you hit thirty, you're basically dead.

You lose all your teeth, so drink soup through a straw
Your balance is gone, so you fall to the floor.
People step over you: they try to ignore
Your desperate arthritic hands,
Like a claw.

Your timings all gone, so comedy's out.
And no-one wants those used cassette tapes that you tout.
And you can't reach the job centre, what with your gout.
Your life is an empty, pointless, humourless drought.

You visit Great Yarmouth and you can't handle coins.
No more waxing, you just blue-rinse your loins.
Start reading SAGA and eat stale bread.
Whatever your name was, now you're called Fred.

Once you hit thirty, you're basically dead!
You're covered in fleas, you live in a shed.
And you inevitably start to wet the bed
Once you hit 30,
you're wretched and dirty
and basically dead.
Happy Birthday!
Track Name: I Used To Write Sad Songs
Here we all are, on this special day
I never dreamed I'd have to give you away.
You wanted a song, did you? A laugh for a while?
Well I could never deny you a smile.

I used to write sad songs, before I met you.
I used to write sad, sad songs and all of them true.
You turned my frown clean upside down:
Now I'm Noel Coward on crack.
I tried to fight it but when our world's collided,
the minor chords wouldn't come back
but I used to write sad songs, and as of today,
That's what I'll sing them, when they ask me to play.

Caroline, Michael, you both look... fine.
Thanks for the salmon, and thanks for the wine.
I'm sure you'll be happy or at least content
Living your lives out in the suburbs of Kent

Caroline's mother is wielding a knife
Well bring it on, Margaret, go for your life!
Let's do some Jaegars, what are weddings for
But drinking your face blue
and head-butting the floor

I used to write sad songs before I met you
I used to write sad, sad songs and all of them true.
After a while, I couldn't not smile:
Tearjerkers just wouldn't come
Cos of you near me, my songs got so cheery:
Watery ballads were done
But I used to write sad songs.
And as of today, that's what I'll sing them
When they ask me
to play.

I lied to you earlier, when i said you looked "fine".
You look so beautiful, my Caroline.
I used to write sad songs, that much is true.
But I would sing any song
If you asked me to.
Track Name: I'm Amazing
Sometimes the road can feel so long.
Sometimes the pain can feel so strong.
But when the road is long and the pain is strong, look inside you
When you've had enough, cos the path is rough, look inside you!

And see
I'm amazing! I'm amazing!
If you're seeking inspiration, look at me!
I'm amazing!
I'm so awesome, It's hard for some, but not me,
You can see
That I'm amazing.

Sometimes the rain is really big.
Sometimes your heart feels long and thick.
Sometimes the world is all too round.
And the thing you look for, you try to find it, look everywhere, oh-look-over-there, it's FOUND.

But when your heart is long, and your tears are strong and yabiggledybongandyacantfindyourshoe...

I'm amazing! I'm amazing!

I'm a LEGEND! (she's a legend)
A living legend! (What a legend)
If I'd been alive I'd have been friends with Gandhi (He would've loved her)
I'm astounding! (We're astounded)
Skills abounding! (Highly skilled)
I'd have made a great newsreader or MP (She could be Nadine Dorries)
I'm amazing,
I'm amazing.
And you're amazed.
(And who can blame you?)