Live In Vegas

by Rachel Parris

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Comedy anthems from the second solo show of award-winning musical comedian Rachel Parris. "Live In Vegas" is a satire on the glamour and tears of the cabaret world, with characters including privileged British rockstar, Crispin, liberal Alabama-dwelling Country singer, Gracie-Lou and the star of the show, sequin-clad, world-famous diva, Felice.


released October 20, 2014

All songs written and performed by Rachel Parris
Guitar instrumentals on "Mama Taught me" and "Good Times Come Along" by James Hancox.
Music production by Laurence Hobbs



all rights reserved


Rachel Parris London, UK

Rachel Parris is an award-winning musical comedian based in London. For more info or to see her live, follow her on twitter or see her website!

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Track Name: Las Vegas Save Us
Here we are in the dark, in the bar of a strip club in Vegas,
The "waitress" won't take traveller's cheques...
But the chances of getting lap dances are swiftly increasing cos
Venus is screaming out "next!"
So far from home.
Barry Manilow fans on our own.
And with five quid between us we
know the casinos'll blow our load, so

Las Vegas, please save us - we're taking a gamble tonight.
Las Vegas, please save - we're eager to please ya but Caesar's has banned us for life.
And now I've got a wife...

Me and Caroline booked for a pantomime and a comedian:
Both were Celine Dion's show.
So we crept to roulette with a stripper called Dorian
And her centurion beau.
So tired and broke.
We even tried thieving some coke.
But the mafia came after us,
Seemed such a laugh at the time of crime, so

Las Vegas, please save us - we're taking a gamble tonight.
Las Vegas, please save - the strip search was heinous and Britney's restrained us for life.
It was only a knife!

And Caroline's signed on as a go-go dancer
And started saying things like "stack dem chips"
Her boyfriend's a bell-end mafioso chancer
But both me and him are living off her very generous tips.

Las Vegas, please save us - we're taking a gamble tonight.
Las Vegas, please save - Caroline's starting a fight, again...
Las Vegas - please take us! They won't let us get on the flight!
Las Vegas - please save us!
We need to go home and
It's not a good omen,
We started in bars
And we haven't got far
"Cos we're still behind bars

And we feel quite at home...
Cheaper than Brixton Road!
And we stashed all the dough.
So when we get parole,
Next stop: Monte Carlo!
Track Name: Life Isn't Easy
I got no place to call my own
I feel lonely and I feel cold
Life isn’t easy when you’re living at home
Here in my mum’s house, there’s no-one to hold

We can’t have a poolhouse next to the pool
Cos the house is grade 2 listed and that ain’t cool
The Steinway’s not been tuned for at least half a year
The spaniels are inbred, they've got massive ears

My electric blanket is on its last legs
The East Wing gets chilly, with its four poster beds
They stopped our fuel allowance, so we buy our own coal
To put in the coalhouse, it’s outta control

We’ve only got 6 staff! And one of them’s greek!
She calls quinoa “quinoa” – she won’t last a week

The chef has his limits – His sushi’s a joke
Sometimes the port isn’t vintage, sometimes the salmon’s not smoked

The garden was landscaped in 1810
So the lake’s getting weedy, and the carp died again

We’ve started using Sanctuary instead of Molten Brown
There’s no House of Fraser on this side of town

The parlour is faded, the library is small
The helipad is an eye-sore, when you hold the Spring ball.

My butler’s too handsome, my clothes are too clean
I’m getting bored of my 12 foor outdoor 3D cinema screen

Everything golden, even the diamonds are gold!
Everythings shiny and lovely and tasteful, it’s eating my soul!

So I wish I was homeless, a life on the road
Cos it’s not easy living at home.
Track Name: Ode to Ellie
I’m very clean, and fairly bright and I would make you a lovely home.
I am fertile and I’m polite, I’ve got loads of pre-paid hours on my phone.
I’d buy your flowers, if you’d like, I’ve got a basic grasp of Italian, I’ve been to Rome.
I’m energetic, and I’m kind. And if you don’t want me to hold your hand, I won’t.
I’m not aggressive , unless you wanted me to be, it wouldn’t happen naturally but I could try.
I’m just a boy who loves a really lovely girl. And I’d like to like you nicely, if you’d like.
Track Name: Daddy's Gone Away
Mum cries at the Aga, Her tears fry in the oil
She cries at bikram yoga, her tears come to the boil.
She cries into her oysters, her tears fall in the shell.
She cries while having botox but no-one can really tell.

She cries cos Daddy left her
But she always cried a lot
She always cried a weird amount
And now she’s all I’ve got so

Don’t tell Me That I’m Lucky
cos Daddy’s gone away.
He left at the end of the tax year
That’s a debt we’re left to pay.
Don’t tell me That Im lucky,
Daddy’s in Dubai
He left me an ISA
For the price of
Track Name: Try To Be Gay
When I was a little girl, My mama taught me right from wrong.
“Your life may not be easy darlin, life’s not like a song.
You’ll love a man too deeply, and sure your heart’ll break
You’ll love him and forgive him, ‘cos men will make mistakes"

"So try to be gay. (x2)
A woman causes far less grief and pain.
And God knows I love your daddy,
but of all the charms he had, he
Never understood me like
your Aunty Jane."

"Try to be gay.
Try to be gay.
I know it’s not a choice but try to choose.
I know I shouldn’t oughtta
But I want a lesbian daughter
To share conversations complimenting boobs”

It was just then I looked at her and realised the truth.
She may have loved my daddy
But she also loved the foof.
She wanted me to have the freedom that she never had.
She wanted me to get the kicks she couldn’t get from dad.

Mama, you’re gay (x2)
And I don’t believe that Aunty Jane’s my aunt.
I’m proud to call you mom and
We have plenty things in common,
But this one thing, ain’t one of ‘em,
I just can’t.

She said,
“Try to be gay” (leave off Mama!)
“Try to be gay” (You’re so intolerant!)
“I can’t believe you refuse to even try.
But if you can’t be gay, then I’ll concede,
You should follow your Daddy’s lead
And I’ll accept you If you’re only bi.”
Track Name: I Killed A Fly
I killed a fly in your name
It was an innocent but it got caught up in the game.
I hope you're proud of what you've done.
I killed a fly with a tiny, tiny gun.
Track Name: Good Times Come Along
Small town in Dixie, we don’t see eye to eye.
Small town, You’ll throw a big street party when I die.
You put asbestos in my house, then you burned it down
I’ve lived through years of taunts and fears, right here in this small town.

Small town postman, you fed-exed me a bomb.
Small town school-friend, you poured blood on me at prom
Small-town preacher, you prayed I’d go to hell
Small-town sheriff stole my dog and locked it in a cell

I first kissed here.
And I first cried here.
I first felt the need to write a song.
There’ve been bad times
There’ve been sad times
But it’s the bad, sad times that make you strong
So I’ll stay til good times come along.

Small-town bankers, you mis-sold me PPI,
You hired an airplane to spell out "You're a shithead" in the sky
You stole my car, you burned my clothes, you kidnapped Aunty Jane,
You had me sectioned, broke me out, then you did it all again.

People ask me how can I forgive them?
Don’t them liberal-hating bullies make you cry?
I feel better every Thanksgiving
I get liberal with some medical supplies
I find myself feel quite forgiving
As I pour that full strength laxative in
The Umbrage Townships main water supply

I first kissed here.
And I first cried here.
I first felt the need to write a song.
There’ve been bad times
There’ve been sad times
But watching those poor bastards keeps me strong,
When they're pooping out their panties all week long
It was Al Gore's idea and who's to say he's wrong
so I’m going where some good times come along.
Track Name: Amazing
Sometimes the road can seem so long
Sometimes the pain can feel so strong
But when the pain is long and the road is long,
look inside you
When the path is rough
When you've had enough
Look inside you

And see

I'm amazing, I'm amazing
If you're seeking inspiration look at me
I'm amazing
I'm so awesome, it's hard for some
But not me.
You can see
that I'm amazing.

Sometimes the rain is really big
Sometimes your heart feels long and...thick.
Sometimes the world is all too round
And the thing you look for, you look everywhere, where's it gone,
oh look,it's FOUND.

But when the rain is long and your tears are strong and you biggledy bong und ya can-fend yiu- shuuuuhhh


I'm amazing, I'm amazing

I'm a legend, (she's a legend)
a living legend (What a legend)
If I'd been alive I'd have been friends with Ghandi.(He would've loved her)
I'm astounding, (we're astounded)
skills abounding (highly skilled)
I'd have made a great newsreader or MP

I'm amazing,
I'm amazing
And you're amazed.
(and who can blame you)
Track Name: The Power of Woman
I am woman. I am strong. My mind is set and my legs can run fast and far. I am woman.
I can love without needing, I can fight without hurting, I can cook, and bleed and speak and read, I can… multi-task.
I am woman. I am strong.
I am woman. I am surprisingly strong.
Where is my strength? In my heart, where love binds? In my hands, rough with toil? In my groin, where the partys at?
No. I am woman. Where is my strength?

It’s all in my man.
Without him I’m just a shell
It comes from my man.
He gave me my talent as well.
My power is great but siphoned off
I was a failure before I fell.
I am a strong woman, a fierce woman, a proud woman,
but who can tell?
Track Name: Don't Take My Advice
I could say, “Live every day, as if it was your last"
I could say, “Look to the future and let go the past”
I could say “You live, you learn, You choose…”
or “To everything, Turn, Turn, Turn”

I could tell ya “Don’t worry, be happy” or “Don’t stop believing”
Or “Save the world”, “You only get what you’re given”
Or “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
or “you gotta be bold, you gotta be tough, you gotta last longer”

But who am I to tell you what is healthy
I eat mainly cookies and cheese
My hobbies are waxing and selfies
And I’ve started to wee when I sneeze, So

Don’t Take My Advice,
Don’t listen to me
I’m not very wise:
You’re smarter than me
Don’t trust a singer,
We don’t really know a thing a-bout your life
So "think twice"
Don’t take my advice

I could say “Enjoy yourself, It’s later than you think”
Or “Always look on the bright side of life”
“Take your passion, and make it happen” cos after all,
“It’s easy if you try”

But I found out I’m banging a minor
I’ll be going to jail for a while.
But I spent fifty thousand on facelifts
So I have no choice but to smile

Don’t Take My Advice,
Don’t listen to me
I’m not very wise:
You’re smarter than me
I won’t sugar-coat it,
I won’t really notice if you live or die
Don’t cry, just
Don’t take my advice

And if you take my advice about taking my advice,
then you’d actually be taking my advice.
So to take my advice, to not take my advice,
You've got to do everything that I say!

Don’t Take My Advice,
Don’t listen to me
I’m not very wise:
You’re smarter than me
Just Cos there’s a keychange, doesn’t make these words more true
Just cos I’m emoting and putting out my arms to you
I beg you
Please – you guys, (Don’t take it, nooo)
It’s all lies (Don’t trust me)
Think twice
Don’t take my advice
No matter how good my hair is
No matter how nice my dress is
Don't take, don't take my advice